


Crossed Hearts and Hope-to-Dies

by hernameisgeorge



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Crack, Humor, Multi, i dunno ill tag it as crack anyway just to be safe, maybe crack?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 20:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hernameisgeorge/pseuds/hernameisgeorge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck starts publishing again and the Winchesters try to stop him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crossed Hearts and Hope-to-Dies

**Author's Note:**

> Set between Dark Side of the Moon and 99 Problems.
> 
> Title taken from "The Phoenix" by Fall Out Boy
> 
> This idea came to me after reading a story somewhere else (If I find it again, I'll link it) and I really wanted to write it, so I did.

"That son of a bitch!"

Sam looked up as Dean stormed into their motel room, brandishing a paperback. "What?"

"Guess what I found in the bookstore."

"What were you doing in the bookstore?"

"What? Shut up." He tossed the book at Sam.

Sam picked up the book and looked at the cover.

Supernatural: Lazarus Rising by Carver Edlund

"I don't get it. We already know about the Supernatural books."

"Read the back."

He did as instructed and turned it over.

Dean finds himself in a grave in Pontiac, Illinois, with no memory of how he got out of Hell

"Wait, what?"

Dean laughed humorlessly. "Yeah, and that's not all! There are more of those monstrosities. They go up to killing Lilith."

"I'm going to kill him." Sam was already getting up from his chair.

Dean pushed him back down. "Whoa there, slow your roll. Don't you think I already thought about that? But he's still got an archangel protecting him, and I don't really wanna bring Heaven's wrath down on us."

"Yeah, you're right." He settled back into his chair, turning back to his laptop. "I wonder what the new pairings are."

"Pairings? It's like I don't even know you anymore!"

Sam rolled his eyes and clicked on his bookmarks. It was a guilty pleasure, sue him.

***

"Destiel," Sam said.

Dean looked up from the TV. "What now?"

"Destiel," he said again. "It's the most popular new pairing."

"And who is it?"

He braced for impact. "You and Cas."

"What?!" He grabbed Sam's laptop and looked at the screen.

"Yeah, and not only is it the most popular new pairing, it's the most popular out of all of them, even us."

"No, that can't be right. Must be a typo or something."

Sam smirked. "Is there something going on that you're not telling me about?"

"Dude, no! I promise, if I choose to engage in wild angel sex with Cas, you'll be the first to know."

Sam blanches. "Uhh, no thanks, I'm good." He watched as Dean pulled out his phone. "What are you doing?"

"Calling Chuck, what do you think?"

***

Dean groaned as he hung up his phone. "Chuck's not going to stop publishing."

"What? Why not?"

"He says he likes money, and Raphael will smite us if we try anything."

"Well then I guess we're going to have to get him to stop on his own," Sam said with a sense of finality.

"And how do we do that?"

"Chuck sees everything we do, right?" He didn't wait for an answer. "We just need to do stuff he won't want to see."

***

For the sixth night in a row, the Winchesters went to a nearby bar.

For the sixth night in a row, they both got incredibly drunk and picked a woman they wouldn't normally go home with, and did just that.

For the sixth morning in a row, they met up at a diner, each with a massive hangover.

"I don't think this is working," Sam said as they waited for their coffee.

"No, it's definitely not. We need a new plan."

"Ugh, don't talk so loud." He put his head down on the table.

Dean flagged down a waitress and ordered breakfast for the both of them.

"I don't think simply lowering our standards with women is enough," Sam said once he had some food in him.

"Yeah man, that was a pretty dumb idea. I mean obviously the dude's watched plenty of porn."

Sam nodded. A moment of silence, and then, "Dean, that was your idea."

They ate quietly for the next few minutes, lamenting the failure of their plan.

Dean suddenly set his fork down. "Chuck probably only watches hetero porn."

"Yeah, so?" Sam watched as his brother simply raised an eyebrow. "Really? You wanna...?"

"Well why not?"

Sam shrugged. "Whatever, it's your choice. There's a first time for everything, I guess."

"Right. First time," Dean said, smiling into his coffee.

"Oh, dude, I did _not_ wanna know that!"

"What, you thought that over the last couple years, I only ever slept with women?"

Sam scoffed. "You never said anything to the contrary."

"I don't advertise it. So what? It's my personal life."

"You're never had a problem sharing your personal life before."

"All right, fine. I'm sure you'd be interested to know that out of every person I've slept with over the last year, roughly 43 percent were guys."

"God, please keep it to yourself!"

"What does Dean need to keep to himself?" Castiel appeared suddenly beside Sam.

Both brothers jumped. "Stop doing that!" Dean said, running a hand down his face.

"I apologize, Dean. I appear to have forgotten in light of my Father not caring about the fate of humanity!"

Sam scoffed. "When did he get so sassy?"

"I'm obviously a bad influence on him."

Sam suddenly sat up, his face brightening as if he had a great idea.

Dean took one look at him. "No! Absolutely not!"

"At least consider it, Dean."

"I have, Sam, and it's not a good idea."

"What's not a good idea?" Castiel asked.

"Nothing, Cas. Forget we said anything," Dean said.

At the same time, Sam said, "We're trying to get Chuck to stop publishing."

"And you want me to help?"

"No!" Dean said quickly. "No. Sam came up with an idea that involves you, but we're not going with that one, so you don't have to worry."

"What was the idea?"

Sam didn't give Dean a chance to answer. "We've been going home with women over the past few nights, and Dean suggested going home with men instead."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"Well," Sam said, "you two _are_ the most popular pairing among the fans..."

Castiel nodded. "I think I understand now."

"Yeah, but that's not happening, so it's fine." Dean shrugged.

"How is that fine?" Castiel did his signature head tilt.

"We won't have to...you know..."

"Are you saying that you don't want to?"

"No, that's not what I'm- Wait, are _you_ saying you _would_ want to?"

"I wouldn't be particularly averse to it, no."

Dean blinked once. Twice. "Well that's... Me too...I wouldn't...either."

"It's settled then!" Sam said, clapping once. "You two do that, and I'll just...go research or drink or something." He put some money on the table, enough to cover half  of the bill, and hurried out the door.

Dean cleared his throat, regaining Castiel's attention. "So, are we really doing this?"

Castiel shrugged and stole Dean's coffee. (He had developed quite a taste for it since he started falling, Dean noticed.) "I suppose."

"You know, in some cultures, we're technically married," Dean said as Castiel drank some coffee.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind." Dean coughed. "Just, sharing a drink, and...never mind." He cleared his throat. "So, over the last few days, I've obviously been pitching a lot, and I wouldn't mind...ah...catching."

Castiel tilted his head again. "I don't understand. Is that some sort of euphemism?"

Dean couldn't believe they were talking about this in the middle of the diner. (Though he technically brought it up...) "You can, you know...top."

Castiel narrowed his eyes for a moment before he finally seemed to get it. "Ah. You mean I would..."

"Yeah."

"All right."

***

Sam was thankfully alone when his phone rang. It was Chuck.

"Hello?"

_"Okay, fine, fine! You win! I'll stop!"_

Sam almost dropped his phone, he was laughing so hard.

It really was funny. If he ignored the fact that his brother was having sex with an angel.

Ha ha.

Ha.

"Who's on top?"

Chuck wailed and hung up.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought!


End file.
